The Iron Wicket

I fear the phone.

When I talk about it with people, I tell them I don't know how it started, but that's a lie. I have a fairly good idea of how it started, but I don't really know how it developed into an actual fear.

I used to love being on the phone. Especially with my friend Shayne. We'd talk about this or that for hours, even if we just saw each other that day. When I'd get off the phone with her, sometimes I'd still be in such a phone mood that I'd call someone else since the phone was still in my hand.

The demise of Phone Dominique started with Zach. My obsessive feelings for him made me very anxious to hear from him. I waited for e-mails, IM's, and phone calls. When I was expecting to hear from him and the phone rang, if it wasn't him I would feel a profound sense of disappointment. That escalated to not wanting to be on the phone if it wasn't Zach. I started being on the phone with Shayne less and less, started initiating calls less and less, except with Zach. That sort of distaste with the phones wasn't that big of a deal, aside from apprehension about calling for pizza delivery.

But at some point in the last year or so, along with another series of mental problems that escalated very suddenly and very rapidly, that distaste for phone calls started growing into a fear. I began to hate the sound of the phone ringing. I had a phone in my room, but I kept the ringer off, because the idea of whatever I was doing being interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing was very discomforting. It was annoying for my mom and brother, because they were the ones that had to alert me every time someone called for me. I could still hear their phones ringing, but the sound wasn't in the room with me, so it wasn't as bad. But I started anticipating the sound of my mom coming out of her room after the phone rang, meaning she was bringing the phone to either me or my brother. I'd feel a surge of relief and maybe some disappointment when I heard her walk past my room and keep going to my brother's. Of course if no one else was home, I'd still feel the need to answer the phone.

Once Justin and I were together, it was easier to avoid making some phone calls, because I could ask him to do it for me. Once he left to Canada, there really was no one I wanted to hear from. I knew he was going to e-mail me instead of calling me, because...well he's kind of awkward on the phone. So when I moved in with my mom there was no reason for me to answer the phone really when it rang. However the phone is only a few feet away from my "room" here in the living room, so it's always a nasty jolt when I hear it. I was in a really bad place at that point, and really didn't want to talk to anyone other than my mom, so if anything other than her work number showed up on the caller ID, I wouldn't answer. That has continued to now. On good days or bad days, I still don't want to answer the phone.

I still have a strong dislike for making phone calls as well. I have to call my doctor for this or that, I have to call the pharmacy...and I hate having to do that. If I get my doctor's voicemail, I'll hang up because I can't handle the idea of waiting for a call back.

I hadn't been thinking about it much until I realized my seasonal job starts next month. My job which I take orders for a catalog company. On the phone. With all my anxiety, I could barely handle coming in last year... I kept having to call in sick or leave halfway through my shift. ...and the phone phobia wasn't an issue then. It's certainly going to be an issue now.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I do have about a month to decide, so that's good.